Samhain marks a new year for me. I think of it as a time when we morph into a newer form of ourselves and journey forward into a new life. We give a nod to the energies that come ever so near as the veil thins and bid them pass on their wisdom of the unknown. This is the time that I embrace change. These last few years have been incredible for me.  I have stood in awe watching things that I thought would be forever crumble around me.

I began to actually see what the Buddha meant by dukka. Our suffering, my suffering is rooted in attachment to things that are not permanent. By definition, this attachment causes suffering. I have found that as I begin to notice that things are indeed impermanent; it becomes easier to keep my sense of peace. 

One of the most profound things I have ever read was in an interview with Thich Nhat Hahn.   

While some may thing this is sticking our heads in the sand, he goes on to explain that we can see what is wrong in the world but only water the seeds of things that bring us joy.

We have to take a moment to breathe and listen to ourselves so that we can simply sip our tea or wash the dishes.  We can be in this moment to find joy.  I use the fourteen precepts to help me through our day. I'd like to share them with you in this post.

While you look over this new day with fear or happiness. Remember nothing is permanent. All things change. Where we are today is a different place than yesterday and tomorrow. We need to look into ourselves and find the seeds of happiness and water those seeds. We need to share those seeds with others around us until we have a garden of happiness around the world. 

In you, I see me.  We interare.

The Fourteen Precepts of Engaged Buddhism

1. Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. Buddhist systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth.
2. Do not think the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice nonattachment from views in order to be open to receive others’ viewpoints. Truth is found in life and not merely in conceptual knowledge. Be ready to learn throughout your entire life and to observe reality in yourself and in the world at all times.
3. Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education. However, through compassionate dialogue, help others renounce fanaticism and narrowness.
4. Do not avoid contact with suffering or close your eyes before suffering. Do not lose awareness of the existence of suffering in the life of the world. Find ways to be with those who are suffering, including personal contact, visits, images, and sounds. By such means, awaken yourself and others to the reality of suffering in the world.
5. Do not accumulate wealth while millions are hungry. Do not take as the aim of your life Fame, profit, wealth, or sensual pleasure. Live simply and share time, energy, and material resources with those who are in need.
6. Do not maintain anger or hatred. Learn to penetrate and transform them when they are still seeds in your consciousness. As soon as they arise, turn your attention to your breath in order to see and understand the nature of your hatred.
7. Do not lose yourself in dispersion and in your surroundings. Practice mindful breathing to come back to what is happening in the present moment. Be in touch with what is wondrous, refreshing, and healing both inside and around you. Plant seeds of joy, peace, and understanding in yourself in order to facilitate the work of transformation in the depths of your consciousness.
8. Do not utter words that can create discord and cause the community to break. Make every effort to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.
9. Do not say untruthful things for the sake of personal interest or to impress people. Do not utter words that cause division and hatred. Do not spread news that you do not know to be certain. Do not criticize or condemn things of which you are not sure. Always speak truthfully and constructively. Have the courage to speak out about situations of injustice, even when doing so may threaten your own safety.
10. Do not use the Buddhist community for personal gain or profit, or transform your community into a political party. A religious community, however, should take a clear stand against oppression and injustice and should strive to change the situation without engaging in partisan conflicts.
11. Do not live with a vocation that is harmful to humans and nature. Do not invest in companies that deprive others of their chance to live. Select a vocation that helps realize your ideal of compassion.
12. Do not kill. Do not let others kill. Find whatever means possible to protect life and prevent war.
13. Possess nothing that should belong to others. Respect the property of others, but prevent others from profiting from human suffering or the suffering of other species on Earth.
14. Do not mistreat your body. Learn to handle it with respect. Do not look on your body as only an instrument. Preserve vital energies (sexual, breath, spirit) for the realization of the Way. (For brothers and sisters who are not monks and nuns:) Sexual expression should not take place without love and commitment. In sexual relationships, be aware of future suffering that may be caused. To preserve the happiness of others, respect the rights and commitments of others. Be fully aware of the responsibility of bringing new lives into the world. Meditate on the world into which you are bringing new beings.

From “Interbeing: Fourteen Guidelines for Engaged Buddhism,” Revised edition: Oct. 1993 by Thich Nhat Hanh, published by Parallax Press, Berkeley, California.

So it's almost been a month since I posted my last piece about the stay at home orders.  Today I sit here listening to the news as they report on protesters demanding to open up diners and hair salons. I hear people complaining that they haven't had their hair dyed or their nails done and it is the same as being in prison. It is so odd to me that the people protesting are not the people who work those jobs. And aren't those the same jobs that people always complain about when they want $15 an hour? Now all of a sudden they appear to be pretty damn important to people.

One of the exercises in the book that I found helpful is associated with a quote by Walt Whitman.

Dismiss whatever insults your own soul.

Today hubby and I started back at the gym.  Back in October I canceled my membership and started working out at home.  Needless to say that did not work out well.

I've been noticing over the last few weeks my pants were getting a little snug and I was getting concerned.  With my mother moving in and all the stress I figured I'd put on a few pounds.

I weighed today and I've put on more than a few pounds.  My weight today was 181.2  I've gained 20lbs over the last 3 months.  No wonder I feel like crap and my clothes are getting snug.

Today felt great, we did a circuit that hubby found by Bob Harper from The Biggest Loser.  I can't believe how quickly I've fallen out of shape.  I used to be able to go 45 minutes on the eliptical machine.  Three minutes was kicking my tush today.

I've decided that my goal is to get back to below 160, maybe smaller we'll see... and start to feel better.  I need to be ok with this situation.  With my mother living here.  With life in general.  I've got to start being able to be comfy in my own skin. This is going to be my first day on this journey.

Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(

So currently I'm participating in the Pagan Blog Project 2012 this past two weeks were on the letter F.  My week I chose the word Family and did my post on that.

I've been put in a position to where I'm taking care of my mother.  We never got along well and in fact up until January we didn't even really speak.  I liked it that way.  I didn't have to deal with all the old crap from my childhood.  I could go about my life, being happy with my hubby and spending time with our dogs.

How life changes in just a few months.  It's March now and here I sit at 8 in the morning barely rested because my mother woke me at 2 in the morning confused and standing in the hallway of our house.  She didn't make any sense at all and here I am trying to get her back into bed.  Apparently she had gotten lost from the bathroom to the bedroom.  Our bathroom door and the her bedroom door are literally 3 feet from each other.

I've had to update my calendar and change everything around because just in the month of April she's has 5 appointments, as well as an eye surgery scheduled after which she'll be completely blind for a number of hours.  The sight will return but we have to go back in for another treatment where again she'll be blind for a limited time.  I went from having no connection at all to having to be someone's complete caretaker.  It's becoming daunting.

I know that it's not her fault and I want to be the type of person to help others when they are in need.  I want to be able to assist someone in their transition to the underworld.  I need to find away to separate my old emotions from the person that's here today.  I also need to find a way to stop holding expectations of others.  I would gladly be here to help my hubby should he become in a state that he needed constant care.  But he never treated me like crap.  ARRRG  All the old stuff in my head.  Dealing with all this is so stressful that I've begun to put on weight and my tummy is on fire all the time.

Last night hubby says to me, you're not the same person any more.  In my effort to assist her, I've started to lose myself.  How is it that the "family" I have around me cannot see the toll this is taking on me and try to help me? 

We know why don't we?  It's because it's easier to let someone else do the work.  It's easier to sit back and toss out directions and offer suggestions but not actually do any of the work.  Something as complicated as working with Medicaid, getting the hospital bills paid and then suggestions around what's happening to the money. 

I have responsibilities too.  I have expectations and needs.  At one point I really wanted assistance.  I wanted help.  Now I'm jaded and bitter.  Now I don't want anything.  I just want to be here, finish my sentence and become free.

It sounds awful.  It sounds too much like someone I don't want to be.  However I cannot allow myself to hold expectations for others, only to be let down time and time again.  So I'm done.  I can count on one person and one person alone.  Together we will succeed.  Just like we did when we took care of his mother.  We'll get mine off to her afterlife and then we will move on.  No more information, no more calls, no more babying the situation.  It is what it is and I am done.

Family is not permission to be uncaring and hateful.  Family is not a pass to drop your responsibility in someone's lap just because you can.   Most of all, Family is not a group of people joined by DNA.  Family are those that lift you up.  Family make you smile.  Family see your burden and come over to shoulder the load.  Family may be blood, but generally its those people around you that CHOOSE to be related to you, not the ones that are there by blood.

If you know someone one that needs a bit of a lift, take this post as a reminder to pick up the phone, send them an email.  They just might not be as strong as you think they are.


Namaste and Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(

This last month has been pretty crazy for me.  I'm so glad that it's over.  As many of you know I've spent the last few weeks adjusting to my mother living with me.  This was something that I wasn't prepared for.  I was and am in a complete shock at how well I seem to be adapting.

My mother has several issues going on. I only recently found out she not only had Diabetes, but also has stage three renal failure, congestive heart failure and COPD.  She suffers from TAIs or mini-strokes as well as dementia, with both hearing and sight loss.



Every night hubby and I sit in the living room and watch TV with her.  She likes CSI and NCIS.  She watches The Biggest Loser with us and even Celebrity Wife Swap.  She seems to be in higher spirits even though she misses seeing my sister's kids.  I've reached out to them several times and hope that maybe they'll at least call from time to time.  Right now it's only myself and one sister that are participating.  The other two are not so interested any more.  I spoke to one and said, it'd be really nice if you called Mama. She's not doing well. She actually said to me and I quote, "I only have 200 minutes a month, I have to save them".  Nice...



I don't have the emotion around the "Mother" that I should have.  It's not there. But I do have compassion.  I do have an understanding that no matter what you've done to others in your life you don't deserve to be treated poorly.  Especially when you can't even remember why they're treating you that way.  It breaks my heart to see her wake up in the morning ask look a little lost and ask where the grand babies are, then slowly remember that she lives with me now and there are no babies here.







I was treated poorly.  I was hurt.  But this isn't the person that did that.  This person that is here isn't the same who allowed me to suffer what I did. That person was lost in one of the strokes, or maybe in a sugar seizure.  So how can I be angry or upset with her.   The answer is I cannot.  Perhaps all these things happen for a reason. Perhaps she's here to help me understand that part of my life is over and I need to let it go.  My pain makes me who I am, but I do not have to suffer that pain everyday to continue to be who I am.  I can let it go and forgive.  I can still be who I am, without hurting every day.  I think that's a great lesson to learn.



Last week at the doctor she told them I was her sister.  Interesting really... Makes more sense based on how she treats me.  I'm still hoping that those that she considers her daughters will actually make some sort of effort to reach out to her.  I know I would be so distressed without my daughter.  I cannot imagine how it must feel to know that the only reason they called or came around was to clean out her checkbook.

I don't believe in the death penalty because I don't believe that hurting another person makes up for the pain you feel inside or the loss you suffer.  I think on a similar level it's the same thing here.  There's nothing that can fix those wounds from the past.  I just need to let them heal, embrace my scars and move on.





Take a moment to hug those you want to hug, cry with those you wish to cry with and love those you wish to love.  You never know when it will be your last chance to do so.

Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(