So today is the day.  I'm waiting now for the bank to open so that I can go up and remove my name from the account.  It's been a long crazy seven months.  I've put on weight and become completely stressed out.  I'm looking over all that I accomplished over the last few months.

I was able to take someone who was obese and get their weight under control.
I was able to take someone with a 400+ blood sugar and get them down to 110 or below daily.
I was able to take someone who was nearly blind and manage to get not only one, but two pair of glasses.
I was able to take someone who was barely able to walk around alone and get her back up and moving.
I was able to take someone who ate fast food every day, to eating organic, even vegetarian food.
I was able to take someone who had excessive debt and get it manageable.


Even if she doesn't appreciate it, I still accomplished that.  Even if some of my family have disowned me and accused me of stealing.  Even if they are accusing me of lying, I know that I am telling the truth.

I've also found a growing network of friends and family online to help me through all this.  One thing that happened very dear to me was all the outpouring of support not only in my blog but also in the emails and facebook messages that came in.  I adore each and every one of you and am very proud to call you my friends.

I've even been invited as a sister to a very dear friend.  We've known each other many many years, and I found her again by this crazy invention called Facebook.   Thank you so much my sister, you have been amazing with your support, not only in words but your energy and thoughts of me during your spell work have been an amazing benefit and I am proud to call you sister.  If I can't make it up to complete a ritual with you, we'll have to work out something that we can both do remotely and then bind our energies together.  My dearest Kallan, thank you.

I'm a little nervous as I sit here 6 minutes before they open.  Tick tock tick tock... I'm looking forward to being free.  I'm looking forward to being at peace.  I have my friends and family here and I have the Goddess with me.



Happy Wednesday Everyone....

Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(

Over the last few months I've been dealing with a lot of family drama.  To the point of posts on my Facebook Page calling me names and even attacking my mental disorder.  I've been working through a lot of it with writing exercises (pros and cons) on dealing with my family as well as trying to come to terms with being ok with saying, No you don't get to treat me this way just because we are related.

At this point in my life I understand that I'm stuck at the age of about 16 and act accordingly.  I do manage to get myself to work each day and do for the most part, a good job of being a wife, when I'm not a complete brat.  I spend a lot of time saving animals, dying my hair purple and looking for witch boots at thrift stores.  Some people might say I'm childish.  I prefer "child like".  I'm the first to admit I'm naive. I tend to trust people just a little too much.  I always assume people are doing the right thing and never think that anyone would ever do anything to hurt me on purpose.

I try to always treat others the way I want to be treated.  I think first and then speak.  Generally I do not speak out of anger or hatred and when there is some sort of drama or altercation my disorder is such that I spend hours and hours dissecting it to see what I could have done differently to reach a better outcome.  I troubleshoot life.

All that being said, today I get a call from Walmart letting me know that my mother's prescriptions are ready.    I called the pharmacy to find out exactly what's ready and then being the type of person I am, instead of just saying screw her and all the drama that they gave me last week, I call her on the phone to let her know about the prescriptions and ask if she'd like me to pick them up.  I find out from the nurse there that she's decided to leave the home on the 23rd and move in with one of my sisters.

Ok.. news to me, thanks for letting me know.  I finally get her on the phone and confirm that she's moving out of the home.  I ask her about her mail and her stuff she has here and she tells me I should put all of it in my sister's name.  I told her about the bills coming and about me bringing up her paperwork to the home on the 18th.  I remind her that I've already paid for her to go to my grandmother's birthday and she didn't need to pay again.  I had paid for her, Eli and myself, but Eli and I wouldn't be attending.  She asked me why and I told her it was because my sister had threatened me with courts, lawyers, police and all sorts of other attacks and that I didn't feel it was right.  Her exact quote.  "Whatever".

Now I'm not one to hold on to false hope, and trust me I honestly thought that I really didn't give a rat's ass what she thought about anything. However when she said that, pain shot through my chest.  I think it finally hit me, that she didn't care that I brought her in my home.  She didn't care how hurt I was from all the family drama when I was a child.  She didn't care about how I felt now.  It was painfully obvious.

As I hung up the phone I went to the USPS online site to change her address, I started pulling the folders out with all the documentation I've collected over the last five months.  The Social Security Meetings, the Medicaid Meetings, the Cardiologist appointments and so on... I began to cry.  I couldn't control it, and I still do not know why.

I texted hubby and work and had a little chat and a pep talk to get myself back up in a better frame of mind. I do everything I can to help everyone and for the most part, most people are wonderful.  But there are those that can do nothing but hurt.  I'm not sure how to deal with the hurt.  I've tried tucking it away; I've tried burning it up, I've even cast it out away from me, but still some can bring it roaring back into my life with a vengeance.

So my countdown begins.  there are 7 days until I will be done with all the paperwork, all the updates, all the emails and messages.  I'll be changing over the prescription notifications along with all the other necessary information just in time for her to move in with my sister.

I'm taking some time to heal up before I go around any of them again.  I'm not sure when that will be.  I'm not even sure I'll be missed. I'm hoping this is the right way to deal with the hurt.  I know I certainly don't want to be hurt again.



Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(

Starting this entry off with a trigger warning. For those triggered by discussions of incest, rape or abuse, please take care when reading this entry.

                                                                                            By Willow Arlenea

One of the most important things you can do for your inner child is to protect it.  That child spent so much time being ignored and hurt but most of all not protected by the adults in it's life.

To protect my inner child I do the the following:

I listen to her. - Being heard is usually a big deal for survivors.  That little voice inside grows very weak over years of no one listening.  Take a moment and listen to what that child has to say.

I say nice things to her. - In my situation daily attacks and humiliation were the norm.  I was cussed out, called names, names a child can't understand.  Those words leave scars and bruises that the eyes cannot see.  For years and years I was told "You're Fat" "You're Stupid" "You're Ugly".  Those words were repeated so often I believed them and became them.  A way to help fix that is to be nice to yourself.  Yes, those crazy doctors are right.  Look in the mirror. Say, I love you.  Say, You're special.  Say, You're important.  I like to leave sticky notes around my house that say positive things.  That way, I can let her know she's special.



I Defend her.  In my situation I'm still in contact with my abuser.  Two have died.  One is still alive.  When I first moved back here I took on the role of the "Oldest".  I started taking care of things and rushed in to do my duty.  I promptly started back my old self defeating actions and in less than 2 years put on a 100 lbs.  I was negative and hurt every single day.  Each day I take a bit of that power back and defend her.  I don't let others push her around or make her do something out of sense of obligation.  I am important and I matter.  No one is going to hurt her; not any more.

I love her.  In taking back my life and in caring about me, one of the most important things is to love yourself.  There are enough people out there in the world that are going to run you down or call you names.  Don't be one of those people. It's called negative self talk.  I'm guilty of saying, "Oh I'm so stupid"  or if I drop something my brain yells "Klutz!".  If a stranger dropped a glass, would you call him/her a name?  Probably not.  But yet those words ring out inside the head and hurt just as much as if someone else said them.  Sometimes it's hard to stop those "voices".  Sometimes you have to actually yell back, "SHUT UP".



And remember, for those little ones out there.  Sometimes you may think that running away is the answer.  I thought it was.  I ran away from a very bad situation with no resources.  It led me into a much worse situation.  I thought I knew everything.  I was big and bad at fifteen.  But I really wasn't.  I ended up in a home with the man that is "supposed" to be my biological father.  However I've started to uncover information that he may actually be my second cousin instead.  Good for me because he ended up saying to me "You'll do that for Him, but not for me?" (referring to my step-father)  So you see, I jumped from the frying pan into the fire.  My  abuse continued for many many years afterwards, even into my first marriage.  You can't run from this.  You have to face it.  I'm not suggesting you face it alone.

Get help!  If you can find someone you trust, a teacher, a parent, a neighbor any one... Find someone to protect you.  Because life as a runaway is not a happy life.

I'm going to close this with a message to all my blog followers who have left messages, comments and sent me emails of support.  Thank you so very much.  Your words have been amazing in this time of discovery and rediscovery for me.  I appreciate each and every word that's been shared.  The positive energy made it here and I am grateful for your thoughts.  

Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(

Resources
Child Help
Pandora's Project
Survivors of Incest Anon
Safe Horizon
Male Survivors of Incest and Abuse


YouTube Video Series Healing our Inner Child - Video 1

So I sit here with my tea the day after the full moon.  I spent my evening rehashing and rehashing those things in my past.  Those horrible days as child when I lived at home.  I thought about how I would treat a stranger if their mother was sick.

I thought about what my own beliefs say about this whole thing.  Do I go to the hospital even though I have no emotion for the person there?  Do I pretend to be concerned when they explain the medical situation.  When in all reality all I'm really doing is sitting here remembering how she didn't protect me.  I've been told that simply the fact that I'm thinking about this says I have unresolved issues.  However, I'd like to point out that I didn't visit her when she was a mile down the road.  There is no love there.  At what point does one's "duty" to show up again because they're the oldest, become a burden that shouldn't be shouldered any longer?

I remember years back when my step-father died, my nightmares about him stopped.  Then when my bio-father died, after getting the photo from the coroner, those stopped.  Last night I tossed and turned, reliving in dream that awful things she's said and done.  Maybe death is the only way to really REALLY stop them.

Today is Tuesday, day after the full moon; day after my commitment to my matron.  Maybe it's fitting that these questions were presented now.

Incense fills the room, my candles flicker.  I have my chants on repeat.  Looking forwards to a better day.

Namaste & Blessed Be

Sosanna
)O(

So I sit here today completing my preparations for my ritual tonight.  I plan to complete the ritual for Hekate tonight.  I have chosen her as my matron.  Oddly enough when I am choosing my spiritual mother I find myself at odds with my earthly mother.

Saturday I got call that my mother had a blood sugar of 20 and was on her way to the hospital.  My mother and I have no connection really.  She knew about my stepfather's abuse and I found out later that she indeed sacrificed me so that he would stay there and "pay the bills". After all, I guess I didn't really matter.  I ran away from home at 15 and never really had any type of relationship with my mother.  To this day we don't even really speak to each other.  Today I got a message that she was on her way to Wake Med (a big hospital) due to some heart problems and she wanted to talk to me.

I spent a few minutes debating with my husband if I should call.  Should I give her the chance to ask for forgiveness?  Should I help her in paying the ferryman?  Is it fair to me that she gets to make her peace with her God and I get left with years of more pain in dealing with her garbage?

I called.  I listened.  She said "I just wanted to tell you I'm going to Wake med".  "Do you want to talk to your sister?"

Yup, that's it folks.  No I'm sorry.  No, Hey you know I was a completely nasty person for letting you get treated the way I did... I got nothing.   Here again, let down by no one but myself, for even thinking for a second that there was any type of concern for my feelings at all.

Maybe one day I'll learn.







So now, I sit listening to my chants and singing along with the songs for the goddess. Tonight I commit myself to a higher level of understanding and with this ritual, I will look forward to new things and hope that soon all the pain will be gone.

Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(