Daily Draw - The Survivor

Starting this entry off with a trigger warning. For those triggered by discussions of incest, rape or abuse, please take care when reading this entry.

                                                                                            By Willow Arlenea

One of the most important things you can do for your inner child is to protect it.  That child spent so much time being ignored and hurt but most of all not protected by the adults in it's life.

To protect my inner child I do the the following:

I listen to her. - Being heard is usually a big deal for survivors.  That little voice inside grows very weak over years of no one listening.  Take a moment and listen to what that child has to say.

I say nice things to her. - In my situation daily attacks and humiliation were the norm.  I was cussed out, called names, names a child can't understand.  Those words leave scars and bruises that the eyes cannot see.  For years and years I was told "You're Fat" "You're Stupid" "You're Ugly".  Those words were repeated so often I believed them and became them.  A way to help fix that is to be nice to yourself.  Yes, those crazy doctors are right.  Look in the mirror. Say, I love you.  Say, You're special.  Say, You're important.  I like to leave sticky notes around my house that say positive things.  That way, I can let her know she's special.



I Defend her.  In my situation I'm still in contact with my abuser.  Two have died.  One is still alive.  When I first moved back here I took on the role of the "Oldest".  I started taking care of things and rushed in to do my duty.  I promptly started back my old self defeating actions and in less than 2 years put on a 100 lbs.  I was negative and hurt every single day.  Each day I take a bit of that power back and defend her.  I don't let others push her around or make her do something out of sense of obligation.  I am important and I matter.  No one is going to hurt her; not any more.

I love her.  In taking back my life and in caring about me, one of the most important things is to love yourself.  There are enough people out there in the world that are going to run you down or call you names.  Don't be one of those people. It's called negative self talk.  I'm guilty of saying, "Oh I'm so stupid"  or if I drop something my brain yells "Klutz!".  If a stranger dropped a glass, would you call him/her a name?  Probably not.  But yet those words ring out inside the head and hurt just as much as if someone else said them.  Sometimes it's hard to stop those "voices".  Sometimes you have to actually yell back, "SHUT UP".



And remember, for those little ones out there.  Sometimes you may think that running away is the answer.  I thought it was.  I ran away from a very bad situation with no resources.  It led me into a much worse situation.  I thought I knew everything.  I was big and bad at fifteen.  But I really wasn't.  I ended up in a home with the man that is "supposed" to be my biological father.  However I've started to uncover information that he may actually be my second cousin instead.  Good for me because he ended up saying to me "You'll do that for Him, but not for me?" (referring to my step-father)  So you see, I jumped from the frying pan into the fire.  My  abuse continued for many many years afterwards, even into my first marriage.  You can't run from this.  You have to face it.  I'm not suggesting you face it alone.

Get help!  If you can find someone you trust, a teacher, a parent, a neighbor any one... Find someone to protect you.  Because life as a runaway is not a happy life.

I'm going to close this with a message to all my blog followers who have left messages, comments and sent me emails of support.  Thank you so very much.  Your words have been amazing in this time of discovery and rediscovery for me.  I appreciate each and every word that's been shared.  The positive energy made it here and I am grateful for your thoughts.  

Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(

Resources
Child Help
Pandora's Project
Survivors of Incest Anon
Safe Horizon
Male Survivors of Incest and Abuse


YouTube Video Series Healing our Inner Child - Video 1

I want to start this post out with a trigger warning. I talk about abuse and how I dealt with it as a child and as now a grown up. For those that are triggered easily, I recommend avoiding this series. I'll put this warning up before each of these.

I didn't get to be a child. I was always, "The Oldest". My understanding is that I started off life living with my grandmother. My mother was running around a bit and really didn't have time for a child. I lived with my grandmother and my cousin Tony. We stayed in a little house built by my grandfather. He passed away well before Tony or I were born. I lived with my grandmother until about 5 or 6 years old. I then moved to live with my mother and my step-father. I had a younger sister there as well. He was her step-father too.

There are not too many things I remember about my childhood. Most are full of pain. My very very first memory is me in a classroom. I couldn't have been more than 6 or 7 years old. I think I was in Kindergarten because we had our names on our desk in the block writing tablets. The ones that teach you how to write your letters.




There was a little girl there, she sat next to me. At playtime we ran outside to play and she said, I have a secret. I said you do? What is it? She said, my daddy kisses me down there. I said, yours does? My does too!!! She looked me right in my eye and said NO you're lying! My daddy said I'm special I'm the only one. From that day forward I never told another soul until I ran away from home at 15 years old. To this day I think about that first day at school and I wonder how my life may have been different if a teacher had her us talking. Or if I had told another adult. I wonder if anyone would have saved me. Did I really deserve saving?

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

I think back about that little girl, not the one that told me I was lying, I think about the one in me. The one that was hurt and alone. She is still there. Small and sad. She didn't get toys to play with or hugs from someone just because. All the love was conditional and hurtful. So today, I give her things. I buy her toys from the little machines and I give her little things. Things that she can cup in her, things that make her smile. Sometimes the smallest gift can mean the most.



Here are some of her things.

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

She likes little things. And in a small way it helps. Today I put this little things in my office. I find a new one ever so often and add it to the collection. I read a story a while back about how fairies collect little things, buttons and shiny things and store them behind their fairy door, it reminds me of my collection.

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

I have good days, and I have bad days. Sometimes I get sad. But usually I am up and happy. I have so much to be thankful for. I have wonderful friends and family of choice. Once strangers are now sisters and brothers. I have so much positive that I try to let the negative come in, sit a minute and then send it on its way. Because remember, I am a sum of my parts... all of them.  My negative and my positive make me who I am today. And I <3 ME.

For those out there that are struggling with demons in the past, or with childhood things, I highly recommend finding someone you can trust to talk to. Find someone you can share these things with. One of the best things you can do is buy a coloring book and a box of crayons. Set these as your special things, for those times when you just need to sit down and escape from the grown up world. It really helps.

For those that need someone to talk to, here are a few resources. I had family that thought "something was wrong" when I stopped tying my shoes and forgot my ABCs, but no action was taken. If you "think" something is wrong, ask questions. You might be saving a life.


Survivors of Incest Anonymous
RAINN
Adult Children of Alcoholics
Adult Survivors of Child Abuse
Recognizing and Preventing Child Abuse

Sending out positive energies to all.

Namaste and Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(