Showing posts with label self. Show all posts

Resolutions - A Witch's View

This time of year many people start making resolutions to make changes to their lives.  Generally these promises include getting healthier. Many want to quit smoking, lose some weight or exercise more.  This leads to the onslaught of advertisements and sales on work out equipment and gym memberships.

Photo Credit - Elijah Olson


While it is admirable to take stock in your life and decide to make a pledge to change it for the better, it is still quite sad to see so many people quit.  Gyms are expensive and going there every day takes time and energy.  I recall living in California over 10 years ago and spending 2 hours a day at the gym.  This doesn't count the commute.  My gym was on Miramar Road which was one of the busiest roads in San Diego.  You could sit for hours waiting in traffic.  I could never get below 199 pounds.  I struggled daily with it.  After moving to NC I changed to a vegetarian diet and made my goal.  But it didn't last. Quickly I was back up to my old habits.  The bacon and the cheese biscuits didn't help.

Photo Credit - Elijah Olson

But I did rebound and get back in gear to start losing weight again.

Photo Credit - Renee Olson



Sadly after some family issues I slowly added the meat back into my diet.  And along with that meat came the weight.  For many years I sat here in sadness trying to over come the impact that these issue played in my life.  And only recently have I gone back to removing meat products from my life but also actually caring about who I am.





We place a lot of focus on what we want our bodies or our lives to be. We don't need a gym to get healthy. We need the drive to do it.  I saw this video recently and it really spoke to me.



As you get started with your resolutions for the new year, make them attainable. Make them sincere and make them in your own best interest.  As you can see, just over the last 10 years, my goals sometimes fell to the wayside to my detriment.  Be loyal to the most important person in the world. 

Yourself.

Embrace the Sparkle - We're BAAAAACK


I've got a lot going on in my head today.  I've had several ideas for the blog post today and each one is pretty dang good if I do say so myself.  However I just can’t decide what I want to post on.  I made an amazing dinner last night and took step by step photos.  I was going to share that with you today.  But somehow I’m just not feeling it.

Then it’s Veteran’s Day.  I like this day.  When I was in the fifth grade at Eastern Wayne, I won classroom essay of the year and was awarded a certificate for an essay I wrote about Veteran’s Day.  I was very proud of that.  I even had to walk up on stage in an assembly.  This was huge for me, as I felt only a mediocre student.  My younger sister was the honor student with all the A’s and perfect all the time. She was the pretty one, I was plain. It was my one moment to shine.  I treasured it.  Again, something dear to me but somehow just not the topic I wanted to present today.

Photo Credit - Portrait - Renee Olson



I've come up with a new idea for a series of children’s books that I am going to co-write with my best friend and soul mate, my hubby.  It’s a darling idea that we came up with together as a way to help others learn about not only my religion but his lack of religion.  We’re really excited about it and may even just create an eBook and sell it ourselves.  Yet, again it just doesn't seem to fit into the day.

I've got a lot on my mind.  It’s coming into the holiday season.  That time of year when most are celebrating the joyous times, be it with friends and family or in self-reflection.  We've chatted many times before about my childhood and it seems that when we get closer to Thanksgiving and then rolling right into Christmas my manias tend to get a bit more frequent and my “sparkle” as I like to call it; rears its head and I change a bit.  My eyes tend to glaze over and I start to revert.  I’m more easily distracted by ‘shiny things’ and my brain starts going, what seems like a million miles an hour. 


Here’s a few family pictures of the holidays, I’m the oldest female child in these pics.  You can tell from my face something just isn't right.

Photo Credit - Jean Wiggs - Photographer

Photo Credit - Charlie Wiggs - Photographer

Photo Credit - Charlie Wiggs - Photographer


During this time I’m extremely creative and I feel as if there’s nothing in the world I can’t do.  My powers are all encompassing and all knowing.  Then, I crash.  I don’t see it.  I don’t know it.  I only realize it after it’s over.
Photo Credit - Renee Olson - Photographer

My thoughts will jump about and be sometimes random.  Sometimes I will be blunt or say things that seem a bit out of character for me.  It’s like Hyperactivity in Retrograde.  J


The main thing that keeps coming back into my mind today is my weight.  I’m back in my 14/16 jeans now.  10s long a thing of the past.  I can’t seem to just stay a small size.  I get there, and then bounce back.  Sure I could start exercising again.  That’s really all that’s changed.  I still eat really good food and I don’t eat crap.  I've just stopped working out.  And I don’t want to work out.  I want to be OK with who I am right now.  I need to be OK with that.  I prefer women with meat on their bones.  Nothing against you skinny girls out there, Goddess love you that you have the ability to maintain that form, but for me I’m more interested in curves. 

That may be where my downfall lies.  To me curves equal sexy.  But when I look in the mirror all I hear is that voice shouting at me.  Over and over, louder and louder….  Some of you out there may hear it too. 
So I sit here.  Thinking about my size, my shape …

Hubby has told me over and over that he loves me, no matter my size but is indeed more attracted to me at this size than when I was smaller.  He wants me happy.  I get that.  I want that.

Photo Credit - Elijah Olson - Photographer


So what do we do from here?  No clue.  I know I usually end my entries with a positive affirmation or some quip that will basic say, TAKE THAT WORLD.  Today I have nothing.   Just me sitting alone with my thoughts, looking for answers and hoping for the best.

Next time maybe I’ll add that new recipe.

Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(

Loving Your Inner Child - Part 2

Starting this entry off with a trigger warning. For those triggered by discussions of incest, rape or abuse, please take care when reading this entry.

                                                                                            By Willow Arlenea

One of the most important things you can do for your inner child is to protect it.  That child spent so much time being ignored and hurt but most of all not protected by the adults in it's life.

To protect my inner child I do the the following:

I listen to her. - Being heard is usually a big deal for survivors.  That little voice inside grows very weak over years of no one listening.  Take a moment and listen to what that child has to say.

I say nice things to her. - In my situation daily attacks and humiliation were the norm.  I was cussed out, called names, names a child can't understand.  Those words leave scars and bruises that the eyes cannot see.  For years and years I was told "You're Fat" "You're Stupid" "You're Ugly".  Those words were repeated so often I believed them and became them.  A way to help fix that is to be nice to yourself.  Yes, those crazy doctors are right.  Look in the mirror. Say, I love you.  Say, You're special.  Say, You're important.  I like to leave sticky notes around my house that say positive things.  That way, I can let her know she's special.



I Defend her.  In my situation I'm still in contact with my abuser.  Two have died.  One is still alive.  When I first moved back here I took on the role of the "Oldest".  I started taking care of things and rushed in to do my duty.  I promptly started back my old self defeating actions and in less than 2 years put on a 100 lbs.  I was negative and hurt every single day.  Each day I take a bit of that power back and defend her.  I don't let others push her around or make her do something out of sense of obligation.  I am important and I matter.  No one is going to hurt her; not any more.

I love her.  In taking back my life and in caring about me, one of the most important things is to love yourself.  There are enough people out there in the world that are going to run you down or call you names.  Don't be one of those people. It's called negative self talk.  I'm guilty of saying, "Oh I'm so stupid"  or if I drop something my brain yells "Klutz!".  If a stranger dropped a glass, would you call him/her a name?  Probably not.  But yet those words ring out inside the head and hurt just as much as if someone else said them.  Sometimes it's hard to stop those "voices".  Sometimes you have to actually yell back, "SHUT UP".



And remember, for those little ones out there.  Sometimes you may think that running away is the answer.  I thought it was.  I ran away from a very bad situation with no resources.  It led me into a much worse situation.  I thought I knew everything.  I was big and bad at fifteen.  But I really wasn't.  I ended up in a home with the man that is "supposed" to be my biological father.  However I've started to uncover information that he may actually be my second cousin instead.  Good for me because he ended up saying to me "You'll do that for Him, but not for me?" (referring to my step-father)  So you see, I jumped from the frying pan into the fire.  My  abuse continued for many many years afterwards, even into my first marriage.  You can't run from this.  You have to face it.  I'm not suggesting you face it alone.

Get help!  If you can find someone you trust, a teacher, a parent, a neighbor any one... Find someone to protect you.  Because life as a runaway is not a happy life.

I'm going to close this with a message to all my blog followers who have left messages, comments and sent me emails of support.  Thank you so very much.  Your words have been amazing in this time of discovery and rediscovery for me.  I appreciate each and every word that's been shared.  The positive energy made it here and I am grateful for your thoughts.  

Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(

Resources
Child Help
Pandora's Project
Survivors of Incest Anon
Safe Horizon
Male Survivors of Incest and Abuse


YouTube Video Series Healing our Inner Child - Video 1