Showing posts with label Sparkle. Show all posts

The Bipolar Mind - A Different Way of Thinking

Yesterday Robin Williams was found dead in his home.  Today the world mourns him.  The news just released a new statement that said he had superficial cut marks on his wrists and had used a belt to hang himself.  His wife, Susan Schneider, had asked for privacy in their time of mourning.  I doubt privacy is what they will get.  

Photo credit - Screenshot ABC NEWS

I've spent the last 18 hours or so seeing post after post on Facebook, Twitter and even references in World of Warcraft about the actor's passing.


 Photo Credit - The Academy - Facebook
Photo Credit - The Academy - Facebook Page

The connection between Bipolar Disorder and creative genius has been discussed throughout the years.  Many believe that the only way the Bipolar mind can live in our modern world is with massive amounts of drugs or heavy medications that quiet the mind.  For years I battled with accepting that I had Bipolar Disorder.  I didn't want to be one of those people who ended up on the streets, homeless or the cat lady.  I didn't want to be one of those people who was strapped to a bed and force fed medications.

So my illness went untreated.  I had failed marriages and job loss. When I finally accepted my diagnosis and began treatment all of my creativity was zapped away by those damned medications.  I was sick and suicidal.  I knew that I really was headed down a dark path.  See, I was trying to fit my brain, my way of thinking into what the world called normal.  I was trying to watch one TV show when really I needed to watch two or three.  I was trying to work one job, when I needed two jobs and book.  I need to keep my mind busy.  I needed projects and note pads and more more more, but society told me this was wrong.

Society told me that I needed to slow down.  I needed to have one job.  I needed to do one thing.  It didn't understand that my head; my mind had a different way of thinking.  Today we take people and we try to stuff them into little holes.  We don't allow the creative freedom.  We don't allow our kids to play.  Just play.

My friend Jen shared an article with me this morning called What a Shaman Sees in a Mental Hospital.  This was a fantastic find.  You see, we take those minds, those creative minds of the artist and healer and we put them in tight binds.  We order them to fit in or we dose them with medications so they only sit in their own piss and drool because we cannot accept they have a different way of thinking.   This is so very sad.

You see, I'm not sick.  I'm not broken.  I don't need fixing.  I just need to be able to be me.  I often worry that I might end up like Robin Williams.  What happened at the end that made him finally say, I'm done? Today's the last day.  We will never know the answer to that.  I've been in the extremely low and I've been in the extremely high.  I'm lucky in that I'm a rapid cycler, that means that I don't stay in any one mood for a long period of time.  I also have the benefit of an amazing support system.  I have friends and family of choice who let me be me.  They let me sparkle.  They embrace my sparkle.

The Bipolar Mind isn't a mystery, it is just a different way of thinking.  For someone with depression or in a depressive state of Bipolar, remember there are people out there who love you.  Ask for help.


I use the following mantra (chant).

Right now I am feeling (insert feeling here).  (Insert Feeling) is just a feeling.  It will not last forever.  I will not always feel (insert feeling here).  Soon I will feel differently.  I am not (insert feeling).  I am me.



Resources for Living with and understanding Bipolar

How a Person with Bipolar Thinks.
Bipolar Help & Support
Rapid Cycling Bipolar
What is Bipolar Disorder
National Suicide Hotline




Stay-cation Day 9

On day 9 of my stay-cation we started out the day as usual.  I did find some disturbing comments on a discussion which really hurt my feelings.  I need to learn that there are people out there who will run you down no matter what you do.  Luckily I was able to talk it out and get on with my day.

For breakfast we had fresh eggs from the hens and then made our way out to feed the feral colonies and check out a few flea markets in Smithfield.

We saw the kitty without a tail and the gray and white at Morgans.

Photo Credit - Renee Sosanna Olson
 We saw the two black cats and the tiger stripe at the greenhouse.
Photo Credit - Renee Sosanna Olson

Next we stopped by Five Star for lunch.

Photo Credit - Renee Sosanna Olson

Photo Credit - Renee Sosanna Olson

We stopped by the flea markets.  They were a bit of a disappointment.  We decided to head out early and just go back home.  We did however stop to do a couple's selfie behind the truck!

Photo Credit - Renee Sosanna Olson

Finally we came back home and I needed to finish up some Kyanite pendants and throw a few pots.

Photo Credit - Renee Sosanna Olson

Photo Credit - Renee Sosanna Olson

Over all it was a fantastic day.  I learned that when people run you down, talk trash about you or post hate online. It is generally out of envy.  People gossip out of jealousy. You have a choice, you can allow it to fester in your mind or you can feel it, identify it and let it go.  The best thing you can do is keep being who you are and sparkle on.

Guess which one I did?

Photo Credit - Renee Sosanna Olson

Blessings
Sosanna

Sosanna's Log - Supplemental...


So this has been an amazingly crazy weekend.  Friday around late morning the first reports were coming out about the shooting in Connecticut.  The message was, possible shooting as an elementary school.  One teacher, one child injured.

Sad.  Then as the day progressed the enormity of the event began to unfold.  First, three then four.  Next we learn that the gunman was dead on the scene.  Finally by the end of the day I watched with complete and utter dismay at the final count. Twenty-seven people.  Twenty of those where children under the age of six at Sandy Hook Elementary School. (Washington Post)

We struggle to make sense of this kind of thing.  We sit here and wonder, why did this happen.  The fury that followed over the social media networks was startling to say the least.  I sat and watched friends, neighbors and family members say things at I really believed at someone point they would end with "LOL".

Reading the news reports this morning I found out several interesting things.  First, Adam Lanza, 20, first killed his mother, who was not a teacher at the school as previously reported.  Second, he busted into the school by force because the school had a newly installed security system.  The semiautomatic weapons he had he had taken from his mother's collection.  She was a legal gun owner who enjoyed target practice.  She was killed in her own home, with her own gun.

Adam then went to the school and sprayed the classroom with hundreds and hundreds of rounds of ammunition from semi automatic weapons that were legal in this country.  He then turned the gun on himself.

This morning I sit looking at the posts on Facebook about how, we need stronger gun laws or we need to allow prayer in school.  One page "One Nation Under God" actually has a graphic of our founding fathers kneeling before a picture of white Jesus.  The post things like "Liberals blame the Guns" or "Allow Prayer in Schools".

Here are a few facts:

Adam was not a gun owner.  So his mental state, age, or religion would not be a factor in gun ownership.  Adam did not attend that school.  His mother was not a teacher at the school and in fact according to current reports that school was chosen at random.  Prayer or lack thereof played no role at all in the events that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary.  Only one had control of the events of that day.  And that my friends, was Adam.

I understand we area all struggling with how to understand, process and recover from this.  It I'm sure will go on record as one of the worse school shootings in US history to date.  However, we have to watch that we don't become completely reactionary here.  Laws are created out of debate and examination.  Not knee jerk reactions.

I'm sure you may be wondering, Sosanna I saw you post on Facebook about this yesterday, what prompted this supplemental.  This morning my hubby kissed me goodbye as he left our house for his job at a gas station.  A place where people come and go daily.  There's a hundred dollars or so in the drawer and some cigarettes.  A few months ago several of these stores were robbed and the cashier killed in the process.  As he returned for his forgotten keys on the nightstand I woke briefly and the words that automatically escaped my lips were ....  "be safe".

You see, he's my world.  Without him I'd be lost.  He keeps me sane when the manias start.  He brings me up when the lows hit.  He keeps me on an even keel.  He brings home litters of worm infested sick puppies for us to nurse back to health.









 He gives shirt off his back so that some one else will not be cold.  He is indeed one of the kindest, gentlest people I have ever known.  He has never raised his hand in anger or intentionally hurt me in any way.  You know what else he is.... He's an atheist.

On that very page I mentioned above, the "Christian" people preceded to say how atheists are nothing and should be put on a island somewhere. As I sit and read the comments on these pages, I'm so glad he' not Christian.  These are some really vile people.  Saying that these lives were a sacrifice for allowing marriage equality in Connecticut.  Saying that it's because they're not praying in school.  I am completely sickened by the responses here.



As I sit here trying to cope with this, my phone lights up with text messages from him.  He's saying just filter them out honey.  Here someone is blaming a national tragedy on him and his first thought is for my well being. He is indeed an amazing individual.  Without religion.

The Facebook page Being Liberal posted an awesome graphic today.



We really should remember, things happen sometimes.  No matter what you do, no matter what you say.  At this time we should be embracing each other.  Encouraging each other to use whatever method we use, be it Jesus or Hecate or WHATEVER to find some comfort.  We need to continue to remember those lost lives.  We need to celebrate their passage on to their next realm and take solace in the fact that according to the news reports they passed quickly.  (For those interested there's a website called "Findagrave.com" that has online memorials to those lost.)



With that I leave you with the following thought.  No matter who you are, where you are or what you believe:

"I honor the place within you where the entire Universe resides; I honor the place within you of love, of light, of truth, of peace; I honor the place within you, where, when you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us." ~ Gandhi


Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(


Embrace the Sparkle - T minus 1 Week

So just a few nights ago hubby found out his step-mother was in a hospice situation.  They've not had much contact since his father passed away.  Just a week from now is Thanksgiving.  We're not much into holidays because ours weren't that great as kids.

As you all know my relationship with my mother and sisters has been extremely strained to put it mildly and I wasn't looking forward to going over there to see them.  I wondered if maybe I was allowing them to rule me.  By them dictating when I was going to see my grandmother.  She's old.  She won't be here much longer.  Should I really allow them to make it so that I cannot go on Thanksgiving.  I'm at a point where I don't really want to leave the house any more.  When I do leave, hubby drives.  I feel the cars getting closer and closer when we drive.  It's almost like I can't breath.

Yesterday I destroyed a pot of chili on the stove and hubby took me to dinner.  We were on the way home when I realized I was being insane at dinner.  I was reviewing over and over (OUT LOUD) how to find out if my sister was going to be there and what time that would be so that I could go over there and avoid seeing her.  Hubby sat and nodded across the table.  I noticed him stop at one point and say.  Look.  I don't think we should go at all.  We can go on Tuesday, or Wednesday or hell NOW.  But I really think we should avoid going there on Thursday.

We were supposed to go to a friends house for the holidays but we've had a litter of puppies dropped to us and the rescuer hasn't confirmed that they will be picked up before then.  I think we may end up being here.  PLUS, if his mother passes, he'll need to go to California.

I realized this last night in the car and a wave of panic rolled over me.  My brain started playing out ever possible outcome.  What if he's gone, should I go over to grandma's?  What if something happens? What should I do?  How do I drive back from Raleigh?  What am I going to do?

The stories go on and on and on.   My brain goes faster and faster.  It's like being in the tunnel in Willy Wonka's Candy Factory.  You can't stop it. It seems like it will never end.




Then he picks up my hand and says, Don't Worry.  It will be OK.

And it is.

Sometimes we have trouble with holidays.  Sometimes the world seems as though it's spinning out of control.  Hang on tight and embrace the sparkle.

Namaste and Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(

N is for Namaste



Namaste (NAH-mes-tay) is a greeting that comes from combining two Sanskrit words, Namah and Te.  Namah means “bow or adoration” and te means “to you”.  So translated literally, Namaste means I bow to you.  Namaste can be written or said when two people meet. 

There is a bow that is usually combined with the phrase where the hands are placed in a prayer position with the waist slightly turned and the head is bowed towards another.  It’s a respectful greeting that requires no contact, which is traditionally preferred in India.  This gesture can also be referred to as Anjali Mudra
My first contact with the word was when I started taking Yoga in California.  In working with yoga I found that there is a basic belief that there is a divine spark in the heart chakra, and it is expressed to others with this gesture.  The hands are raised to the heart to increase the flow of this divine love. 
This led me to start to learn about the Chakra’s.  

Because of my issues with side effects from pharmaceuticals, I looked for alternative means to treat my Borderline Personality Disorder and my Bipolar DisorderI learned that my issues were all related to an imbalance in the throat chakra.  I’ve since tried to work with videos on youtube and books to try to learn how to balance my chakras.  I’m still on that journey.

This is one of the exercises I’ve worked with.

 


I struggle with getting to a point where I can stop worrying about everything and slow my mind down enough to participate fully in the now.  It’s been quite a challenge and I know I’m not there yet.  

I look forward to each day and will do my best to be present in the now. 
Even as I sit here writing this, I can hear Yoda’s voice:


There is no try, DO.

Bad habits are extremely difficult to unlearn. 

Until then, I bow to you.

Namaste and Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(

Weight Wait.

So over the last few years, well actually over my lifetime, I've struggled with weight. I've been a yo-yo dieter, a gastric bypass survivor and a binge eater.

Last month I started a new workout and decided to take part in the "Get Off Your Broom Fitness Challenge". I've been taking my measurements and working out every other day to try to "stay in shape". I'm really questioning my motives here.

I've lost over 110 lbs. I've gone from a size 24W to a size 10M. I've gone from eating at McDonald's twice a day to NEVER. I've gone from having 3 42oz Sweet Teas a day to 48oz of water. I've changed everything about my life that made me unhealthy. I've stopped smoking, drinking and eating crap foods. Something to be amazingly proud of. But instead, I hop on the bandwagon to drop more weight and constantly beat myself up for failing to make the weigh in. Or not losing enough.

Why do I do that? Why can't I just put the bat down and stop beating the hell out of myself? I came to the realization a few nights ago after reading a comment left on my blog that said simply this. "How much do you want to lose?" Simple question, common question for those on a weigh loss challenge. The answer escaped me. I don't want to lose any more weight really. I'm good at this weight. I'm happy here. I don't have to drop another pound. I'd like to be toner, but weight loss, isn't really my goal. So then WHY WHY am I so obsessed with it? I'm sure it can be related to my childhood or lack of self esteem. I'm sure that there's a huge diagnosis out there waiting to have my name attached to it. Hell if nothing else the bipolar bit will certainly explain me grabbing something and running to each extreme with it.

I've decided that I'm not going to drop out of the fitness challenge. I'm not going to change my diet back to my old habits or quit working out completely. I am however going to try to start being a little nicer to myself. I'm going to acknowledge that I've done a flapping awesome job dropping this weight and I don't have to wait to be proud of it. I'm awesome right now. I'm awesome today and tomorrow. My weight doesn't define me. I define it.

And for today, I will give thanks to my many blessings. I will not worry. I will not be angry. I will do my work honestly and I will be kind to my neighbor and every living thing.


Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(

Embrace the Sparkle #7

Over the last year or so I've started to notice that I just can't remember things like I used to. I forget what I'm going to the store for, or a bit of this or that for work. Usually its something little and usually when I'm feeling a bit more manic than usual. Hubby and I had discussed if it were my treatments that was making me a little less able to remember things. I've even toyed with the idea of looking into lithium because it's known to enhance gray matter.... The only issue is that it makes you nearly catatonic. Not a place I want to be.

Today I began on a good note, things were well. I did gain a bit again on the Wii, which always annoys me. There's issues with the extended family as I've ranted about before. The job situation is still on hold for hubby and mine seems to have stabilized.

Yesterday we sold our last puppy so our business, ETKennels, is now officially closed. Lots of stuff going through my head. I then see a blog post on FB by the Bipolar Family Support Group Page that says that Bipolar disorder and memory loss are very common.
Reading through the comments I felt as though they were telling my story. I quickly ran to my favorite learning tool (Google) and search for bipolar and memory. The results were astounding. I had no idea that they were related. Granted I've really only been actively living with bipolar and not ignoring it for the last 7 years.

I was and am still afraid that one day I'll end up a shopping cart lady. Walking around the street, dirty and alone. I'm so afraid that I'll be crazy. I hate that when I do finally realize that I'm having a mania that it's only after someone points it out to me and usually that someone is hubby. He has to deal with me with all this.

I think he's up for a Sainthood soon.

So after it's over, and you're coming down, when the world slows down and you can finally see the other side of the room, reach out to that person that you have there. Tell them you love them. Tell them thank you and mean it. Reach out and embrace the sparkle.

Links on Memory Loss & Bipolar

Bipolar & Memory Loss
MEMORY IMPAIRMENT IN BIPOLAR DISORDER
Can Bipolar Disorder Affect Memory Functioning?
Bipolar Disorder and Memory Loss




Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(

Embrace the Sparkle #5

Learning how to identify moods and feelings is a major task for a Bipolar person. Being able to identify when you're "sparkling" and when your not will help others in your life deal with you. I've found that when I start to feel go go go or when "Everything is Everywhere" I know that I'm beginning a cycle.



There are ways to help you figure out your moods. You can keep a journal. You can blog about it. You can take a mood tracker type test, like the one they have at Moodscope. There you can track your moods by taking a test where you flip the cards around to rate your current mood.




Then you get a graph that shows you your moods over the last weeks or months.





This works well for the general person, however for a rapid cycling bipolar this may not be as useful. Rapid cyclers will go from extremely high to extremely low very quickly.

A note from WebMD: (LINK)

What Are the Risks of Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder?

The most serious risk of rapid cycling bipolar disorder is suicide. People with bipolar disorder are 10 to 20 times more likely to commit suicide than people without bipolar disorder. Tragically, 8% to 20% of people with bipolar disorder eventually lose their lives to suicide.

People with rapid cycling bipolar disorder are probably at even higher risk for suicide than those with "regular" bipolar disorder. They are hospitalized more often, and their symptoms are usually more difficult to control long term.

Treatment reduces the likelihood of serious depression and suicide. Lithium in particular, taken long term, reduces the risk.

People with bipolar disorder are also at higher risk for substance abuse. Nearly 60% of people with bipolar disorder abuse drugs or alcohol. Substance abuse is associated with more severe or poorly controlled bipolar disorder.


It's important to be sure that your friends and family are familiar with your disorder so they can help you identify times when you may need some additional support. You may need to spend some extra time taking care of yourself. Not everyone has to be on specific meds for this. You can control this and get a handle on it with a loving support system, good nutrition and meditation. Most importantly, if you feel like you there's no hope left. You're wrong. There's a lot of people out there just like you.

Embrace the Sparkle. It's what makes you special.


Namaste & Blessed Be

Sosanna
)O(