I've got a lot going on in my head today. I've had several ideas for the blog post
today and each one is pretty dang good if I do say so myself. However I just can’t decide what I want to
post on. I made an amazing dinner last
night and took step by step photos. I
was going to share that with you today.
But somehow I’m just not feeling it.
Then it’s Veteran’s Day.
I like this day. When I was in
the fifth grade at Eastern Wayne, I won classroom essay of the year and was
awarded a certificate for an essay I wrote about Veteran’s Day. I was very proud of that. I even had to walk up on stage in an
assembly. This was huge for me, as I
felt only a mediocre student. My younger
sister was the honor student with all the A’s and perfect all the time. She was the pretty one, I was plain. It was my one moment to shine. I treasured it. Again, something dear to me but somehow just
not the topic I wanted to present today.
Photo Credit - Portrait - Renee Olson |
I've come up with a new idea for a series of children’s
books that I am going to co-write with my best friend and soul mate, my
hubby. It’s a darling idea that we came
up with together as a way to help others learn about not only my religion but
his lack of religion. We’re really
excited about it and may even just create an eBook and sell it ourselves. Yet, again it just doesn't seem to fit into
the day.
I've got a lot on my mind.
It’s coming into the holiday season.
That time of year when most are celebrating the joyous times, be it with
friends and family or in self-reflection. We've chatted many times before about my childhood and it seems that
when we get closer to Thanksgiving and then rolling right into Christmas my
manias tend to get a bit more frequent and my “sparkle” as I like to call it;
rears its head and I change a bit. My
eyes tend to glaze over and I start to revert.
I’m more easily distracted by ‘shiny things’ and my brain starts going,
what seems like a million miles an hour.
Here’s a few family pictures
of the holidays, I’m the oldest female child in these pics. You can tell from my face something just isn't right.
Photo Credit - Jean Wiggs - Photographer |
Photo Credit - Charlie Wiggs - Photographer |
Photo Credit - Charlie Wiggs - Photographer |
During this time I’m extremely creative and I feel as if
there’s nothing in the world I can’t do.
My powers are all encompassing and all knowing. Then, I crash. I don’t see it. I don’t know it. I only realize it after it’s over.
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Photo Credit - Renee Olson - Photographer |
My thoughts will jump about and be sometimes random. Sometimes I will be blunt or say things that
seem a bit out of character for me. It’s
like Hyperactivity in Retrograde. J
The main thing that keeps coming back into my mind today is
my weight. I’m back in my 14/16 jeans
now. 10s long a thing of the past. I can’t seem to just stay a small size. I get there, and then bounce back. Sure I could start exercising again. That’s really all that’s changed. I still eat really good food and I don’t eat
crap. I've just stopped working
out. And I don’t want to work out. I want to be OK with who I am right now. I need to be OK with that. I prefer women with meat on their bones. Nothing against you skinny girls out there,
Goddess love you that you have the ability to maintain that form, but for me I’m
more interested in curves.
That may be where my downfall lies. To me curves equal sexy. But when I look in the mirror all I hear is
that voice shouting at me. Over and
over, louder and louder…. Some of you
out there may hear it too.
So I sit here.
Thinking about my size, my shape …
Hubby has told me over and over that he loves me, no matter
my size but is indeed more attracted to me at this size than when I was
smaller. He wants me happy. I get that.
I want that.
![]() |
Photo Credit - Elijah Olson - Photographer |
So what do we do from here?
No clue. I know I usually end my
entries with a positive affirmation or some quip that will basic say, TAKE THAT
WORLD. Today I have nothing. Just me sitting alone with my thoughts,
looking for answers and hoping for the best.
Next time maybe I’ll add that new recipe.
Namaste & Blessed Be
Sosanna
)O(
1 comment
As you know, sanity is for underachievers. One path to immortality is live a life worth telling stories about. So, light that sparkle...coax it into a bonfire, & roast marshmallows over it. Leave your children/family/friends/the ravens a reason to say " I wish you would have known Renee...every November she'd start.....". ;)
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