Loving Your Inner Child - Part 1

I want to start this post out with a trigger warning. I talk about abuse and how I dealt with it as a child and as now a grown up. For those that are triggered easily, I recommend avoiding this series. I'll put this warning up before each of these.

I didn't get to be a child. I was always, "The Oldest". My understanding is that I started off life living with my grandmother. My mother was running around a bit and really didn't have time for a child. I lived with my grandmother and my cousin Tony. We stayed in a little house built by my grandfather. He passed away well before Tony or I were born. I lived with my grandmother until about 5 or 6 years old. I then moved to live with my mother and my step-father. I had a younger sister there as well. He was her step-father too.

There are not too many things I remember about my childhood. Most are full of pain. My very very first memory is me in a classroom. I couldn't have been more than 6 or 7 years old. I think I was in Kindergarten because we had our names on our desk in the block writing tablets. The ones that teach you how to write your letters.

There was a little girl there, she sat next to me. At playtime we ran outside to play and she said, I have a secret. I said you do? What is it? She said, my daddy kisses me down there. I said, yours does? My does too!!! She looked me right in my eye and said NO you're lying! My daddy said I'm special I'm the only one. From that day forward I never told another soul until I ran away from home at 15 years old. To this day I think about that first day at school and I wonder how my life may have been different if a teacher had her us talking. Or if I had told another adult. I wonder if anyone would have saved me. Did I really deserve saving?

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

I think back about that little girl, not the one that told me I was lying, I think about the one in me. The one that was hurt and alone. She is still there. Small and sad. She didn't get toys to play with or hugs from someone just because. All the love was conditional and hurtful. So today, I give her things. I buy her toys from the little machines and I give her little things. Things that she can cup in her, things that make her smile. Sometimes the smallest gift can mean the most.

Here are some of her things.

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

She likes little things. And in a small way it helps. Today I put this little things in my office. I find a new one ever so often and add it to the collection. I read a story a while back about how fairies collect little things, buttons and shiny things and store them behind their fairy door, it reminds me of my collection.

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

I have good days, and I have bad days. Sometimes I get sad. But usually I am up and happy. I have so much to be thankful for. I have wonderful friends and family of choice. Once strangers are now sisters and brothers. I have so much positive that I try to let the negative come in, sit a minute and then send it on its way. Because remember, I am a sum of my parts... all of them.  My negative and my positive make me who I am today. And I <3 ME.

For those out there that are struggling with demons in the past, or with childhood things, I highly recommend finding someone you can trust to talk to. Find someone you can share these things with. One of the best things you can do is buy a coloring book and a box of crayons. Set these as your special things, for those times when you just need to sit down and escape from the grown up world. It really helps.

For those that need someone to talk to, here are a few resources. I had family that thought "something was wrong" when I stopped tying my shoes and forgot my ABCs, but no action was taken. If you "think" something is wrong, ask questions. You might be saving a life.

Survivors of Incest Anonymous
Adult Children of Alcoholics
Adult Survivors of Child Abuse
Recognizing and Preventing Child Abuse

Sending out positive energies to all.

Namaste and Blessed Be
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