So it’s the beginning of the new year and everyone is going
crazy on their diets for the New Year.
Gym memberships soar, workout videos sell like hotcakes and by the end
of February no one will be using any of them.
In 2007 Tara Parker-Pope wrote that 40% of those serviced ditched their resolutions
because they were just too busy.
I was doing really well at my weight loss last year this
time. I was down to a size 10 and 8 was
fast approaching. I was working out
every single morning and then my life had a sudden change. Hubby ended up in the hospital with emergency
surgery and my mother moved in. Hubby
got better and was back at work and I was here to take care of my mother. She stayed with us from January – July. In July I moved her into a nursing home, my sister
freaked out and took her out of the home, then started telling everyone I was
stealing her social security money. I
was devastated. I stopped going to my
grandma’s. I stopped going everywhere.
I stay in my house now, barely ever leaving. I go outside to feed my chickens, or to clean
up the dog’s yard, but that’s it. Hubby
has to force me to go into town and into stores. I have panic attacks when we leave the house. Obviously since I stopped moving, I've begun
to put on weight. I still eat the same;
I could however lower those portions a bit.
I’m back up to a size 16. I like
being a size 16, shape wise. I believe
that curvy “Goddess” built women are so sexy.
I can also say that hubby is very “Sir Mixalot”, if you get my meaning.
So what’s going on?
Why am I talking about this again?
Yesterday a dear friend of mine shared a blog post from Dianne Sylvan,
called Ten Rules for Fat Girls. As I was reading, my chubby little heart was
filled with joy. Finally someone who got
it. Finally someone was speaking up for the fat girls. I quickly shared the post and liked her
page. Then I went back to start looking
at her other entries. I was just as
quickly disheartened as I saw that Dianna was an author who’s picture I had to
dig for on her webpage. Her page is
decorated with “beautiful” skinny girls.
So no matter how much she was telling me to be proud of whom I was in
her rules, here she was contributing to the sizeism in popular media by not
using her position to elevate fat acceptance.
I’m not saying she can’t have a skinny girl as her main character, there
are many reasons for having that character but I was a bit puzzled and felt as
though it were a mixed message. For more info on this I recommend checking out "Killing Us Softly" by Jean Kilbourne. Ed.D.
I spend enough of my life feeling not good enough. There’s a lot in the media already that tells
me I’m not tall enough, or thin enough.
I’m not the right skin toned or have the right hair color and with their
product I can be right. I literally sit
sometimes and just cry.
My friend then shared this video.
I want to be able to embrace who I am. I want to be able to love me for me, and not
for the size of my jeans. I don’t want
to feel bad when I look in the mirror or embarrassed when I see someone who saw
me in my “skinny jeans”. I look at those
pictures and feel like such a failure now.
I’m still healthy. I’m not
hurting. I’m not eating crap. But for some reason I just can’t put that bad
down. Even when I read stories on NPR about
how the BMI
is junk science, I still hold myself accountable and expect myself to
measure up to those guides.
It is self-defeating and abusive. If someone sent me an energy request on my
blog for guidance in a situation where I was their partner and I was treating
them how I treated me…. Well I’d tell
them that their partner was abusive and they should seek out counseling or
leave the relationship. Yet, I allow
myself to pick up that bat and beat the shit out of myself daily.
It may take me a while.
I’m a work in progress. Next
Month I’ll be 44 years old. I’m on a new
goal. A new resolution. By age 45, I want to be able to say, I love
me. I love who I am, what I stand for
and most importantly how I look.
After all, you know what they say about fat-bottomed girls.
Namaste and Blessed Be!
Sosanna
)O(
3 comments
This: "I like being a size 16, shape wise. I believe that curvy “Goddess” built women are so sexy. "
That my dear friend, tells me you know where you are happy and where you want to be with your body. I think it's awesome that you've identified what feels good, sexy, and sacred to you. That's such a positive self-affirming statement for you!
One step in loving your Self is to roll your eyes at your sisters' nonsense, step back outside, & talk back to anyone foolish enough to listen to your sister (bet you'll be surprised how few did listen ;), yes? Good luck on your goal!
It took me along time to love myself but I do. THere are times that I look at myself and cry cause I want to be smaller. Then my husband tells me how beautiful I am and he will support me. Then one day I thought about it and said to my husband that I want to get back to the weight when we meet. I was not skinny but comfortable. I was a size 18/20. Be happy for yourself and not society. I am curvy as it is but once I get smaller my hips will pop out and my side will go in. I am trying to teach my girls that beauty is within and that be yourself and love all about your self. I wish I had some one telling me this growing up. Not until I had a friend who told me this that I got it. :) You are beautiful Renee. Inside and out. :)
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