I have at times even attempted suicide. I felt that there was no way to end the pain and that my life could never get better. I have battled less with my Bipolar Disorder and more with the trauma I experienced from medication and therapy. I struggled with yo-yo weight cycles and the severe side effects that modern medicine saddled me with.
I watch as friends and family move in and out of my life, each for their own specific reasons. I can only look around me and think about the things that I can control. I can only control what I say, I cannot control how it is heard. I can only control what I do, not how is it perceived. I expect nothing from those around me and instead do what I can to be in the here at now at all times.
Each day we are presented with choices. These paths have both negative and positive consequences. In my life, just as I'm sure in your life, some of the choices may not have been the right choice. Perhaps the choices, looking back may have been better served by postponing the choice or not making it at all. Yet, we cannot go back in time. We have the option of staying in the negative framework of the mistake or moving forward to change it.
Today I've been working with a book called Start Where You Are, a Journal for Self-Exploration. A giveaway for this book will begin on the 6th and run for a week. The winner will be shipped a free copy of this book by the publisher. (Blogger, Facebook & Twitter do not endorse this contest) One winner will be chosen at random via the rafflecopter tool. The winner will be notified via email. The winner will provide their shipping address for delivery.
Going through a few of these exercises helped me put a number of things into perspective. I know some of my family read this so I'd like to just get a few things out in the open.
I don't blame anyone for my childhood. My childhood is over, I am an adult now. Any thing I may be upset with you over is directly related to things that you have done to me within the last 2-3 years. I am not looking to hold anyone accountable for anything that they are not directly responsible for. If you didn't say it, then it isn't yours, let it go.
I don't hate any one. Let me repeat that. I don't HATE. Not my Ex, not my step-dad, not my mother and not my kid. I don't hate, period.
I have learned the following lessons:
You only live right now. Tomorrow is not here yet and yesterday is gone. I do what makes me happy. I take care of my animals, I take care of my husband and I am kind to those around me. I do what I can to help everyone.
Let me repeat that part. I do what I can to help EVERYONE. I don't care about your skin color, your marital status or your position in life.
I put my feet in the grass. I feel the sunshine on my face. I breathe. I do not argue and I do not fight. My goal is to be happy. I would like to be happy with as many other happy earthlings as I can. If they wish to participate, I am here.
I didn't get here quickly or quietly. It took me nearly 30 years to come to terms with who I am as a person. I used to not like me. I used to require antidepressants and struggle to understand where my purpose was in life. I am not that person any more. I am not sad and afraid. I am not someone who can be bullied into conforming.
I am proud and happy. I am big and happy. I am an artist and happy. I make things that make me happy. It took a very long time to get here and no one is taking that away.