As you all know my relationship with my mother and sisters has been extremely strained to put it mildly and I wasn't looking forward to going over there to see them. I wondered if maybe I was allowing them to rule me. By them dictating when I was going to see my grandmother. She's old. She won't be here much longer. Should I really allow them to make it so that I cannot go on Thanksgiving. I'm at a point where I don't really want to leave the house any more. When I do leave, hubby drives. I feel the cars getting closer and closer when we drive. It's almost like I can't breath.
Yesterday I destroyed a pot of chili on the stove and hubby took me to dinner. We were on the way home when I realized I was being insane at dinner. I was reviewing over and over (OUT LOUD) how to find out if my sister was going to be there and what time that would be so that I could go over there and avoid seeing her. Hubby sat and nodded across the table. I noticed him stop at one point and say. Look. I don't think we should go at all. We can go on Tuesday, or Wednesday or hell NOW. But I really think we should avoid going there on Thursday.
We were supposed to go to a friends house for the holidays but we've had a litter of puppies dropped to us and the rescuer hasn't confirmed that they will be picked up before then. I think we may end up being here. PLUS, if his mother passes, he'll need to go to California.
I realized this last night in the car and a wave of panic rolled over me. My brain started playing out ever possible outcome. What if he's gone, should I go over to grandma's? What if something happens? What should I do? How do I drive back from Raleigh? What am I going to do?
The stories go on and on and on. My brain goes faster and faster. It's like being in the tunnel in Willy Wonka's Candy Factory. You can't stop it. It seems like it will never end.
Then he picks up my hand and says, Don't Worry. It will be OK.
And it is.
Sometimes we have trouble with holidays. Sometimes the world seems as though it's spinning out of control. Hang on tight and embrace the sparkle.
Namaste and Blessed Be