Welcome February!

This last month has been pretty crazy for me.  I'm so glad that it's over.  As many of you know I've spent the last few weeks adjusting to my mother living with me.  This was something that I wasn't prepared for.  I was and am in a complete shock at how well I seem to be adapting.

My mother has several issues going on. I only recently found out she not only had Diabetes, but also has stage three renal failure, congestive heart failure and COPD.  She suffers from TAIs or mini-strokes as well as dementia, with both hearing and sight loss.

Every night hubby and I sit in the living room and watch TV with her.  She likes CSI and NCIS.  She watches The Biggest Loser with us and even Celebrity Wife Swap.  She seems to be in higher spirits even though she misses seeing my sister's kids.  I've reached out to them several times and hope that maybe they'll at least call from time to time.  Right now it's only myself and one sister that are participating.  The other two are not so interested any more.  I spoke to one and said, it'd be really nice if you called Mama. She's not doing well. She actually said to me and I quote, "I only have 200 minutes a month, I have to save them".  Nice...

I don't have the emotion around the "Mother" that I should have.  It's not there. But I do have compassion.  I do have an understanding that no matter what you've done to others in your life you don't deserve to be treated poorly.  Especially when you can't even remember why they're treating you that way.  It breaks my heart to see her wake up in the morning ask look a little lost and ask where the grand babies are, then slowly remember that she lives with me now and there are no babies here.

I was treated poorly.  I was hurt.  But this isn't the person that did that.  This person that is here isn't the same who allowed me to suffer what I did. That person was lost in one of the strokes, or maybe in a sugar seizure.  So how can I be angry or upset with her.   The answer is I cannot.  Perhaps all these things happen for a reason. Perhaps she's here to help me understand that part of my life is over and I need to let it go.  My pain makes me who I am, but I do not have to suffer that pain everyday to continue to be who I am.  I can let it go and forgive.  I can still be who I am, without hurting every day.  I think that's a great lesson to learn.

Last week at the doctor she told them I was her sister.  Interesting really... Makes more sense based on how she treats me.  I'm still hoping that those that she considers her daughters will actually make some sort of effort to reach out to her.  I know I would be so distressed without my daughter.  I cannot imagine how it must feel to know that the only reason they called or came around was to clean out her checkbook.

I don't believe in the death penalty because I don't believe that hurting another person makes up for the pain you feel inside or the loss you suffer.  I think on a similar level it's the same thing here.  There's nothing that can fix those wounds from the past.  I just need to let them heal, embrace my scars and move on.

Take a moment to hug those you want to hug, cry with those you wish to cry with and love those you wish to love.  You never know when it will be your last chance to do so.

Namaste & Blessed Be

Renee Olson

Wife, Witch with the Metal Skills of a Dark Elf. I spend my time working with wire, weaving life and magic.

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