Paying the Ferryman

So I sit here today completing my preparations for my ritual tonight.  I plan to complete the ritual for Hekate tonight.  I have chosen her as my matron.  Oddly enough when I am choosing my spiritual mother I find myself at odds with my earthly mother.

Saturday I got call that my mother had a blood sugar of 20 and was on her way to the hospital.  My mother and I have no connection really.  She knew about my stepfather's abuse and I found out later that she indeed sacrificed me so that he would stay there and "pay the bills". After all, I guess I didn't really matter.  I ran away from home at 15 and never really had any type of relationship with my mother.  To this day we don't even really speak to each other.  Today I got a message that she was on her way to Wake Med (a big hospital) due to some heart problems and she wanted to talk to me.

I spent a few minutes debating with my husband if I should call.  Should I give her the chance to ask for forgiveness?  Should I help her in paying the ferryman?  Is it fair to me that she gets to make her peace with her God and I get left with years of more pain in dealing with her garbage?

I called.  I listened.  She said "I just wanted to tell you I'm going to Wake med".  "Do you want to talk to your sister?"

Yup, that's it folks.  No I'm sorry.  No, Hey you know I was a completely nasty person for letting you get treated the way I did... I got nothing.   Here again, let down by no one but myself, for even thinking for a second that there was any type of concern for my feelings at all.

Maybe one day I'll learn.

So now, I sit listening to my chants and singing along with the songs for the goddess. Tonight I commit myself to a higher level of understanding and with this ritual, I will look forward to new things and hope that soon all the pain will be gone.

Namaste & Blessed Be
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