Embrace the Sparkle #9

Long time no sparkle eh?

No not really. I've been having a pretty active set of days since Thanksgiving. I've found a pattern to some of my manias. Many of the occur between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day. As with many others the holidays are not easy times for me. Much of my time is spent speeding around the house.

I spend this time working. Working and more working. If I actually took time off during these two month's I'd probably go completely whack-a-doodle. I remember as a kid being at home the week before Christmas. My Stepfather played music in a country band. Most of the time we were left home with me babysitting my sisters. My mother would go to the bar with him and tell us to "be good" and you know how that goes. On one of these baby sitting trips I ended up walking with my two little sisters to the mall, my youngest at the time was about 7. She ended up breaking her arm as we ran down the rail road tracks to the Mall. Not the best example, but then I was only 11 or 12 years old.

However, that's not really the point of this story, Christmas, yes that's the point. Today I don't have a Christmas tree in my house. Because year after year after year my step father could get drunk and tear it down.

I remember being awoke by his screaming and yelling or him dragging me out of bed and standing me in front of the tree calling me "whore" or "slut". He was an awful awful man. He was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive to me from age 5 until I ran away from home at 15. It didn't matter the month, if it was Friday or Saturday and his drunk ass was at home, we got bitched at. Years ago my Christmas tree fell over in my house and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. From that day forward no more trees.

We drive to my grandmother's for Christmas dinner, yelling and cussing in the car the entire way was my horrible step father. As we pulled up in the drive way we were warned to keep our mouths shut or we'd "GET IT". Then out of the car he'd pop out smiling, my mother by his side acting as if nothing had happened. The exact same scene played at Thanksgiving, minus the Christmas tree battle.

This year was the first year that hubby had to work so I was at grandma's with my Mother alone, on both days. I did have an Aunt there that helped keep me sane, however on New Year's Day, it was just me. Just me there with my mom, who by all accounts is a complete nut job that at times I think cannot even remember who I am. She grunted at me and when I tried to speak to her, jumped at me a bit much like Christmas and Thanksgiving.

I stayed a grand total of 20 minutes before I was out the door. Just couldn't take it. I battled the entire drive home to avoid all the fast food joints and junk food I could just to make it home to hide. At least I didn't binge, that's all I kept saying.

Today it seems a lifetime ago even though it was only a few days. I share my mother with 3 other siblings however I was the only one there that day. The only one that speaks to me had to work so I had to face those demons alone and failed miserably. My mind has been racing, I've barely slept and been going going going since then.

I know it's going to be slowing down soon. I have to embrace it, stop fighting it. Become one with the Sparkle. Understand that the sparkle is there to protect me. It keeps me from those that would hurt me and helps me know that I can do anything. (with in reason) I embrace the sparkle but keep my feet on the ground. I'm very proud of myself for keeping it together. I've even thought up several new crafts I want to work on for the Etsy Shop and come up with three or four great ideas for work.

This is when they come to me. I get so creative during this time. My energies flow and the ideas just come and come. Sometimes I wish I could stay here forever. But I know it makes those around me a bit crazy to deal with the go go go go .....

I'm hoping for some slow down soon.. maybe before my birthday... yea... maybe ...

Embrace the Sparkle
Namaste & Blessed Be
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