So I sit here with my tea the day after the full moon. I spent my evening rehashing and rehashing those things in my past. Those horrible days as child when I lived at home. I thought about how I would treat a stranger if their mother was sick.
I thought about what my own beliefs say about this whole thing. Do I go to the hospital even though I have no emotion for the person there? Do I pretend to be concerned when they explain the medical situation. When in all reality all I'm really doing is sitting here remembering how she didn't protect me. I've been told that simply the fact that I'm thinking about this says I have unresolved issues. However, I'd like to point out that I didn't visit her when she was a mile down the road. There is no love there. At what point does one's "duty" to show up again because they're the oldest, become a burden that shouldn't be shouldered any longer?
I remember years back when my step-father died, my nightmares about him stopped. Then when my bio-father died, after getting the photo from the coroner, those stopped. Last night I tossed and turned, reliving in dream that awful things she's said and done. Maybe death is the only way to really REALLY stop them.
Today is Tuesday, day after the full moon; day after my commitment to my matron. Maybe it's fitting that these questions were presented now.
Incense fills the room, my candles flicker. I have my chants on repeat. Looking forwards to a better day.
Namaste & Blessed Be
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