The Day After...

So I sit here with my tea the day after the full moon.  I spent my evening rehashing and rehashing those things in my past.  Those horrible days as child when I lived at home.  I thought about how I would treat a stranger if their mother was sick.

I thought about what my own beliefs say about this whole thing.  Do I go to the hospital even though I have no emotion for the person there?  Do I pretend to be concerned when they explain the medical situation.  When in all reality all I'm really doing is sitting here remembering how she didn't protect me.  I've been told that simply the fact that I'm thinking about this says I have unresolved issues.  However, I'd like to point out that I didn't visit her when she was a mile down the road.  There is no love there.  At what point does one's "duty" to show up again because they're the oldest, become a burden that shouldn't be shouldered any longer?

I remember years back when my step-father died, my nightmares about him stopped.  Then when my bio-father died, after getting the photo from the coroner, those stopped.  Last night I tossed and turned, reliving in dream that awful things she's said and done.  Maybe death is the only way to really REALLY stop them.

Today is Tuesday, day after the full moon; day after my commitment to my matron.  Maybe it's fitting that these questions were presented now.

Incense fills the room, my candles flicker.  I have my chants on repeat.  Looking forwards to a better day.

Namaste & Blessed Be

Sosanna
)O(

11 comments

Diandra said...

I think you do not have any obligations to that person. But that is just me. In the end, you have to decide for yourself. However, it does not make you a bad person if you decide you do not want to waste any time on her.

Kallan said...

Poignant, astounding.. beautiful. Thank you for sharing, Sosanna.

Anonymous said...

WOW as a former child of abuse, I can totally relate to this. I don't have anything to do with my own mother let alone much less with my father, who allowed her to abuse me. I can honestly say that I agree with Diandra as I feel no obligation to that woman, regardless if she gave birth to me. Do what is right for you in the long run, do what makes you feel at peace.
Peace to you sister.

Vickie said...

As someone who is sitting on the outside looking in, it's very easy to give you advice. But what I really want to convey with my message to you is only you can make the decision. And that I, your friend will be there for you regardless of what that decision may be. You are such a strong person and I both love and admire you!

Kat of EmKatCreations said...

Peace and strength to you. Questions like this are never easy and always deeply personal. Know that those of us here will support you.

Kelly, "Moon Willow Witch" said...

You need to do whatever feels right for you, never mind what anyone else thinks or says. I hope peace comes to you soon.

Stevie said...

Sosanna,
As a new friend to your blog and a person looking in I say you do what makes you feel better. Why be there for someone who wasn't there for you. I can't beleive I just say that cause usually I'd say be the better person and forgive but not forget and be there. But I can't say that. The crap you went through was not right. If you do be there you can physically but not mentality. Your body can be there but your heart and loving self can be somewhere else. Either way You have friends here on your blog who truly care for you.

BLESSED BE!!

JaneAvril said...

Earth is now my mother, and has been for some time. My biomother died a long time ago for me. Don't feel bad for not having emotions regarding her! I spent a few months with a broken leg, which I managed to give myself at my cousins wedding when she showed up unexpected and unannounced, agonizing over what I would/wouldn't do when/if she ever shows up at my house ill/broke/homeless and I can honestly say I don't know. But my life, your life is what you need to be concerned with, not hers, and not what anyone else thinks, because they don't really know what you know and never will. Some things are just too big to let go, and you shouldn't feel guilty for a moment for not allowing her any space in your heart, that is reserved for people who deserve it. Peace and Light to you, I know all too well the trials of a terrible childhood.

Miss Pettey said...

I am still overcoming the abuse I went through. I'll be open...I was abused by 3 of my grandparents. One died, and that pretty much stopped the threat and feeling of fear that he might do it again. But the other two are still alive. I moved to a foreign country when I was 16 to escape them, and my depression lifted. It came back when I moved back to the US, and even though I haven't spoken a word to them in over 6 years, people in my family would try to reconnect us, and I'd have a panic attack. No one knows what happened, and it makes it harder. I know how you must be feeling. And whatever you do, don't ever feel guilty for not caring about this person. I've had so many people tell me I need to fogive the people who did this to me, and those who ALLOWED it to happen, who sat there smiling pretending everything was bright and shining and happy. But you do NOT forgive someone who does not deserve to be forgiven, someone who tried to ruin a child.

I'm sorry for rambling, but it just all spilled out of me. Just be strong, and know you have many sisters and brothers who went through the same thing and who will hold the soul of your hand through it all.

(By the way, I live in Eastern N.C. too. Just know we're here for you.)

btd. said...

Though I didn't have abuse from a male, I had it from my adoptive mother. Our relationship is still horrible though I do not think about all the horrible things she has done unless triggered. I wish I had advice for you. You will be in my thoughts. Blessed Be.

AmethJera said...

I was the sole caregiver of my grandmother, who raised me because my mother was too busy 'finding out who she was'(funny, lots of other women do this and do not give their babies away!) She'd been been married to another man before my father-whom she divorced then got married to a second time after yet another fling. It was a shot gun wedding because she was pregnant with me, and my father was still in the Army. She was married a total of FIVE times, with quite a few men in between. I only saw her occasionally throughout my childhood-mostly when she needed money from my grandparents. She never participated in my upbringing. She showed up when I was 40 years old and my grandmother was in hospice care wanting to be my mother- and I said no. Eight months later when my mother was dying from AIDS-related cancer, my step-sister freaked out and wanted me to take over everything because she couldn't cope. Neither of them had been to see Mom when she was sick-they lived 45 minutes away. Neither cared anything about me. Now I was important because I was potentially useful.

I said no,and walked away. I think back about my feelings that it was a relief knowing this woman would soon not be on the same physical plane of existence with me and a chapter of my life would be over. I still feel the same way I did then,with absolutely no resentment toward her, and absolutely no regrets about the situation. It is what it is-and it's over. Sometimes you just have to shut the door and walk away and live your life.