So over the last few years, well actually over my lifetime, I've struggled with weight. I've been a yo-yo dieter, a gastric bypass survivor and a binge eater.
Last month I started a new workout and decided to take part in the "Get Off Your Broom Fitness Challenge". I've been taking my measurements and working out every other day to try to "stay in shape". I'm really questioning my motives here.
I've lost over 110 lbs. I've gone from a size 24W to a size 10M. I've gone from eating at McDonald's twice a day to NEVER. I've gone from having 3 42oz Sweet Teas a day to 48oz of water. I've changed everything about my life that made me unhealthy. I've stopped smoking, drinking and eating crap foods. Something to be amazingly proud of. But instead, I hop on the bandwagon to drop more weight and constantly beat myself up for failing to make the weigh in. Or not losing enough.
Why do I do that? Why can't I just put the bat down and stop beating the hell out of myself? I came to the realization a few nights ago after reading a comment left on my blog that said simply this. "How much do you want to lose?" Simple question, common question for those on a weigh loss challenge. The answer escaped me. I don't want to lose any more weight really. I'm good at this weight. I'm happy here. I don't have to drop another pound. I'd like to be toner, but weight loss, isn't really my goal. So then WHY WHY am I so obsessed with it? I'm sure it can be related to my childhood or lack of self esteem. I'm sure that there's a huge diagnosis out there waiting to have my name attached to it. Hell if nothing else the bipolar bit will certainly explain me grabbing something and running to each extreme with it.
I've decided that I'm not going to drop out of the fitness challenge. I'm not going to change my diet back to my old habits or quit working out completely. I am however going to try to start being a little nicer to myself. I'm going to acknowledge that I've done a flapping awesome job dropping this weight and I don't have to wait to be proud of it. I'm awesome right now. I'm awesome today and tomorrow. My weight doesn't define me. I define it.
And for today, I will give thanks to my many blessings. I will not worry. I will not be angry. I will do my work honestly and I will be kind to my neighbor and every living thing.
Namaste & Blessed Be
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